I don't know. I honestly have no clue... *sigh* It ain't supposed to be easy is it? Ever? Miao... So the update is as following: I've been at this year's last great parties and I dearsay they were great; the alcohol was litterally flowing. Down my throat that is. And I had great fun and enjoyed myself in general. So why do I complain? What can possibly twist my brain to that extent when all seems so great? Lots of things, loads actually. I think humanity is doomed to gloom. If all is well we go out of our ways to find something that makes us able to feel miserable.

On dreams

They say you dream insane dreams to stay sane. I dream normal dreams, where I feel happy and great. That must mean something. I trust it means I'm at least partially insane on the coocoo-train to nutcracker city. And that's reassuring. But it's kinda cute if my subconciousness is trying to cheer me up, and I'd rather be happy in my dreams than not at all. All the great what-ifs I get to experience. 

Nerves

Exam in less than 9 hours. Hopelessly badly prepared for this... I need a hug.

I write sins, and tradgedies, and about whatever I feel like

I'm noting that I write alot nowadays. It's kinda odd really. Or maybe not? It may be the exam closing up on me that makes me desperate for things to do other than studying. It may be my life in general that opens up for this kind of activity and/or therapy. It may even be the casual remembrance that I actually have a blog. I wonder though, is anybody still reading this?  If not, one might wonder why I still bother to write. Why not, I say, since I have to write this anyways somewhere, why not here?

Snowboard!!!!!!! and one more for good measure: !

Oh great big yawns. I'm outright sleepy allready, and it's barely past six. The effect of snow in the system I suppose. And the snow IS in the system, and no wonder. My last fall had me tumbling in every thinkable direction. Yes. So with the powder snow, the properly prepped slopes, and with a rather suiting population, I can give this day a good grade!

I dreamed a dream, wide awake.

It was a fantastic night. No stars on the winter night, the constant noise of a car-subwoofer and constantly freezing toes. I had laid down in my bed to watch Charlie and the chocolate factory on dvd and curled the quilt around me in a most intricate fashion. The song "I dreamed a dream" from Les Miserables kept churning in my mind as it had for days. And suddendly, in a moment of clarity, in a moment so beautifull that stars came out just for me, and all sounds hushed, time slowed to a halt. For there, in that flash of a second I could most certainly feel you in my arms, close to me in an embrace of passion and love. And my heart skipped a beat for you as it started to race. For truly, I was graced by a visit by Freya and Aphrodite, Isis and Branwen. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

On a side note: Having I dreamed a dream or any other Les Miserables song on your mind is seldom a bad thing.... Unless they are remakes or hopeless translations.

Make sense dammit!

"You!" I said and pointed a blaming finger at the hooded man who stood examining him. The hooded man, we shall call him: "W" for short, stood before me, bathed in a light so bright I could not for all my trying see his face. I blamed W for everthing, and nothing, feeling so sure in my guts he was the one responsible for all the missdeeds in the world. A world of blame and curses flooded over him like an avalanche. However, from every bad word W recieved he seemed as unaffected as only the truly emotionless ones can. And he grew, or so I thought. Later I have come to the conclusion that it was I that shrank. Regardless, W was now not only unaffected and unrecognisable, he was also bigger than me. So I became scared and cast away all thought of blame and hid instead. W found me every time without having looked for me, or even moved. Silently I cursed him for exicsting, and I was undone.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Nice little rant eh? Make sense out of it and I'll happily shave your back for a nickle! (unrelated reference) I need a shower and sleep.

Logging

I read an old log today. 3 years old to be exact. It was obviously a conversation between two people who no longer exicst. Curiously one carried the same name as I. But what he said seemed so naive; like a child waiting for the world to become just as he expected. Furthermore he seemed unable to pick up those little, vague hints that would have made his life less miserable. I could but pity him and hope that he'd learn from his mistakes, both past and present, so that when he realized his wrongs and missteps, he would be able to set things right. But then again, who am I to know?

Ants and blarghs make good bedfellows

The ants are busyer than ever, scurrying aroud like they do. Getting in my way, foiling my plans and my dreams. I guess that's what you get in an anthill with no queen. No calming prescence to set things straight, just dozens of confused, agitated and purposeless ants. Damned be this myriad of .......

Enough of that I guess. As you might have noticed I'm a tad busy nowadays, which explains the lack of blogging for a while. My life has reverted to the primal stage of making the days pass, and I'm quite good at that. So they do. And that's, well, sadly enough, all.

The Door

The Ice rushes forward towards the massive doorway hoping to reach past it before it finds the time to close. Having been created from form the chill of loneliness, sadness and pain, its only purpose is freezing that which is beyond the doorway. Madly it chases, as before, intent on making it this time. The door creaks and starts to close, slowly at first but picking up the pace, making it a race between the ice and the door. The ice slams to the fine worked door just as i closes and has to see itself beaten once more. Furious it freezes all that is around it. Slowly, very slowly it thawes, except for som places; the keyholes. Each keyholde frozen solid, above it a name; the name of the ones holding those specific keys. A new keyhole have appeared with the others, and with it a new name. One can still its freshness and judging by the amount of ice in and around it, it was a finely crafted key. The ice presses on, trying to get through the keyholes, but as of still they are too few for it to have an effect. The door however is affected; the iced keyholes affect the opening mechanism of the door, each one slightly more, making it harder to open.

Curses

I'm alone again, it's never easy, it's never "just" a breakup. Curse the world, curse whatever's wrong with me, and most of all: curse all the persons leading me to this. This potential madness, this dark mind, this ice of the heart. Never before have I felt such an urge to seal myself in ice, only to watch the world speed by through a layer of frozen carelessness. What manner of bad fortune have cursed me to relive this torment time and again. My sins were never many and never dire, yet I pay tenfold, nay thousandfold for them. Even the ones I never comitted. Is this the price for being born me? Is this what I must go through to amuse the gods of fate? I spit my curses over this wasteland of humanity as I craft a shell of pure me. Nothing gets between me and me.

....Brooding in the Darkness

I'm sitting in the darkness, brooding for myself, thinking dark thoughts reflecting my even darker mood. In my inner eye all people I look at die, by my hand. Not because I really want to kill anyone, it's just that kind of mood. And when I see her picture I cannot distinguish any details, my eyes veiled over by tears and my inner eye covered in oily black. I cry out to the darkness with the voice of a dreadfull silence, my heart trying to beat away the oncoming frost, while the mind spirals inward in a whirlpool of despair. I lose myself in the moments, letting them patch over each other, time slipping like it's having trouble deciding where it was at. I close my eyes and let all color flow away, I shut my mind and draw a great breath, sucking up all the corruption and bad air I can hold. I fall backwards, hoping that noone will ever catch me.

What to tell the world?

I've been bugged about writing more often..... *sigh* I write all the time, I just never post. I write line after line, time after time, and then, instead of posting them, I just delete them. If you read this then this post has been one of the lucky ones. One of those I chose to keep. I know of one thing I wanted to write about, though it might be that I don't. I wanted to tell the tale of the guy I was at the LARP I participated in recently. But I never get the time. It's just....one of these things I guess, with growing up. Suddendly all the world's at your feet, ALL THE TIME. So this is all you get at the moment... Perhaps I'll feel more......writy, later.

17. of May

Norwegian History R.
I stepped out of my flat with a determined look upon my brow; I was going for the ultimate prey, the very definition of constitution. I was going for the elusive "whole day of partying." Many hunts this very sought after mark, but few even glimpse it. Many of those who gets to see it ends up dead; never being able to feel the warmth of their loved ones again. Knowing this I still set out, just after dawnbreak, the snow muffling the sound of my steps. I glimpsed what would be my prey to come soon after, and in few minutes the hunt was on. I moved in on it and quickly discarded my excess clothing to be able to move freely and without hinderance as the chase took to begin. Champagne to help me calm down and bread with cheese and assorted meats to help me going. Just past noon did I get to go in close with this fiend and we started to wrestle. It was intense and to be able to even keep my own morale up I supplied myself with beer. The mighty brawl seemed to go in my favour even, at least for a while, but then by some sort of accident it got away. Grabbing what I could find of equipment I took up it's trace and tracked it for a good while. The tracks led me far away though and I lost them again somewhere furter south. Seeing the opportunity to have a quick rest I set up camp and replenished my lost strength with chicken, scampi and som liquor to keep the warmth. It didn't take long however before fresh tracks were found and the hunt was once more on. Again I tracked the beast down and this time, having sung the old songs for victory I again went close and personal with the beast. Intoxicated by the thrill of the fight I flowed through the night, cought in a dance of passion and the burning heat of battle. Many of my comrades had to call it quits but me, I kept going 'till the very end. And when the end came, it was a ambivalent feeling; I had gotten my victory over this prey, and even though I was exhausted, it felt very good. But I can't help but admit that it was a bit hollow in the end, as I realized that the hunt and the feeling of the battle is the better part. And with guns still smoking I left the scene of the nights events, with a girl in my mind and a grin on my face.

Somehow not surprised

The world usually just seem to spiral towards a fiery end, keeping a constant acceleration towards the inevitable implosion, with the human race at a center. This is nothing unusual. And you witness brutal murders, rapes, kidnappings as the news print their headlines bigger and more controversial in an attempt to top what they have previously written. "29 year old dude killed 5 year old chick. Neigbours say he seemed like a nice person" What the hell is a nice person anyways, and why can't a nice person get to kill anyone? Everybody else is doing it, it's kinda unfair to give this nice fella so much attention. At least in this day and age when it harder to resist the urges to kill than to actually give in to them. People won't say it, but at some point most people have played with the thought of removing someone that's in the way. There's a reason for why we actually need threats to keep people from comitting crimes. But hypocritic as we are we try our best to exclude those who give in to the call, try as hard as we can to separate them from us; a process that just makes them feel like their something else, something that for some reason can do these actions. And why should it matter, it's not like they can return to society anyways? And at a point we are happy about this, because deep down inside, it's hard for a human to admit that it's human; to admit that all those things lie there inside, dormant and waiting, knowing that had the circumstances been different, it'd be their asses on the line. And why do I care about this? One day, far far from this one, I'd like to be acknowledged as an animal rather than a human. But no one will care, because at that point, humans would be pretty preoccupied with correcting the errors they have inflicted. WWIII perhaps? Or the accute need to do something for the enviroment. And I'll just watch, as an animal, as a monster, as a non-human. Watch what have been done to this earth.

Bar, beer and texas hold'em

Now, as usual I feel that nothing special has happened in my somewhat seemingly drab life, but this time I have to admit that this ain't anything close to the truth. I've started to work as a volunteer in the student-pub "Uglebo". Now this here is a blog I wanted to write yesterday as I was walking home from work but found myself too sleepy to go through with. The base of it all was reflecting on how I could be SO happy with working in the bar when I don't get paid other than two beers after closing time. It hit me that, sure, I don't make much material goods with this job but the feeling, the fun I have, the friends I make. It's worth it, simple as that. Sure I have to do a job that I actually find kinda amusing and sure I can't start to drink as early as I sometimes have been known to do.... You get the point. So it hit me, I don't really think I'm that material, it's seldom the pure materialism in things that appeal to me, it's not a woman's outer beauty, it's the inner, it's not the pay that decides what I want to be, it's the actual enviroment and work itself. It's all about enjoying the most, the best, at all times. I'm NOT going to die with regret, I'm not going to lead such a life, I'm going to enjoy this all the way, for that's the true meaning of life.

Doors and racehorses

"If the world closes a door you kick open another".... Why the heck? You go figure. This is not going to be about doors, kicking or how I'm messing up good old sayings. This is gonna be about good ol' moody me. I don't know much about nothing but I do know that I've been far more content since coming home. Wether this has to do with the change of my social networks, workload or just the change to a more familiar enviroment I have no idea, but it all feels quite good. On another subject, got most of my posters up, still working to make them stay but at least I'm trying, further I got all my courses going so I got stuffs to do. Even got a couple of social compolations coming up, looking forward to a couple, really not looking forward to some, having trouble deciding on the rest. Well, now I'm choosing what to gamble with; horseraces, and fuck hell if I'm gonna fall of this time. G'night.

On reading and writing.

I seldom read and I just as seldom write.... Such a statement would by many of my nearest and dearest be called a lie, however allow me to elaborate. First on the reading then, hmm. When I have my nose buried in a mass of pages and words people often accuse me of the sin of reading a book. That would be the greatest rape of a book ever, to merely read a book is to completely waste time and energy. In fact, I pity those who ever read "Lord of the Rings" or "Enders Game" or "The Belgariad". Such great adventures and experiences I have with those works. Why? Because I never ever read them. I just opened the book and it did the rest on its own. That's how I was able to cry and laugh and feel with the characters as they set out; I was never too busy reading. That's probably why I never did a good job studying, never liked to read really. And the story of the x and the y never really stood out from the paper, intriguing as it may seem to many. That's also why I never made a good writer either. I never write stuff, I just think it and it appears on the screen where it's supposed to be. The rant on reading goes for everything else as well; music, movies, games and such.

I iz home again. YAY. Now what the heck iz I to duuu. There is no snow here. *cries* Tough luck. And my PS3 needs power. *cries* And ev'rybody just logged away. *cries* But I has candies *smiles* and I gets new pants t'morrow *smiles* and x-mas foodstuffs *smiles*

Well the snow-thing was a lie, it's snow in Lillehammer, but there's no snow in Oslo, and that's where I'm going... Hmmm, nothing to say, nothing to write. Perhaps when I get back into an ordinary life?

Moment of starlight

Moment of starlight

7000 stars shone through my window one night,
I know, for they told me.
They shone so I would be able to see your beautifull face better,
lying there on the white pillow,
slightly to the left of mine.

Seeing you like that made me think;
of riding white horses over magnificent plains,
of lying in a field while watching the night sky,
of dancing slowly to the song of a lone nightingale.

A wind flew by and brought me the scent of you. 
Oh how I wondered, 
wondered how such a simple thing could make me feel so good,
make me feel so content,
make me feel so relaxed.

Then it hit me so hard that I had to catch a second breath;
I loved you,
from the forgotten depths of my heart,
and I memorized every detail of that moment,
to keep with me forever.

Your mouth was slightly open,
so I kissed you, and you woke up,
so we held around eachother in perfect silence,
'till the sun sent it's rays to greet you.

Inspired by you know perfectly well who you are...

I wonder

I have taken to wonder lately, what would happen if our lips were, by incident, to meet one of these days. Would old prophecies be fullfilled and stars realign in order to express universally that true love was found at long last. Or would the ground split open to reveal fire and despair in order to undo a thing that should not be. I have taken to wonder lately if your face is as beautifull as I remember it, with butterflies wanting to shine along; a face that would make even Narcissus look up from the pond, and a fragnance following you like a promise of spring, summer and eternal joy. Or do you look and smell like the things that live under the ground, never seeing light and never feeling water. I have taken to wonder if the majestetic creatures that inhabit the deep seas will take you away from me to keep for themselves to admire in eternity, or if the snakes and spiders of the dense forests will present you to me in order to rid them of your presence. I have taken to wonder about a lot of things lately......

Soon to return home to a hopefully snowy coutry. *glee* ^^ And christmas dinner....and presents.....and friends....... and and and.