Complain complain complain

I know this will be a bit emo but I came to realize a couple of things I hate in myself. I'll just start the bullshit then. Firstly I love way to much. Meaning that I love too quick, too much and too long, and it often causes a lot of unnescesary pain. I am tired of still longing for persons I now despise, I am tired of thinking of people I barely see, or know for that matter. I just want to be happy with the one I wish to be happy with, is that too much to ask for? It is not only in the love section I feel way to much but the other feelings doesn't bother me that much. No other feeling next to sadness brings just that much, well, sadness. It sucks and it's probably the base to most of my depressions.

There, that was one thing I hate with me, the other is my foolish tendency to measure myself up to people way smarter than me. That is sort of twice annoying as I then hate myself for beeing worse than what seems like everyone else, and it makes me hate myself for hating myself for it. I did manage to find what most likely is the reason for it though. All my cousins and siblings are successfull in what they do, having studied things like law, bioengineering, computer science. And then of course it's the ones beeing able to brag about stuff like, army officer, winner of the norwegian dancing championship etc etc. What do I have to show of my life? Well, average grades, halfway in a seemingly wasted bachelor and a solid mess of everything I've ever tried to do. Comparing with morons would probably remove this feeling of myself beeing a failiure....

I think I need some outside love.

What happened since last I wrote.

Hi everybody! Lots of stuff happened since the last time I took the time to sit down and write. Firstly, I've passed my exams with a C on both. Not great but not very bad either. Had a blackout party in honor of Azusa again, ended in blackout and a promise to myself to try to stay away from booze. At least in drinks I mix for myself. After all that we went on the long awaited Prague-trip. It was great fun and even though there were some bickering it was not really more than expected. Being so close to 3 other individuals for 8 days is a sure bet for annoyance. We saw a lot and experienced a lot worth remembering. Coming right back and into work. It's boring and my back aches like a nightmare but it brings in the bucks and thus I'll survive. That's the quick status update. Almost a month summed up in a flash.

Ughar in the evening

Only the oral japanese left now.... if I passed the written that is. Nervous, very nervous. Well, I've taken up FFXII again, partly to calm me down, partly cuz I won't have PS in Japan if I get there. I'm wondering what I might do if I actually fail, I've tried very hard not to get my anticipation up just in case, but it is damn hard when there is such a thing at stake. And even if I get my dreams fulfilled and get to go to Japan there's things going on here I'd rather not miss like my mom's 50th birthday. Who'd ever want to miss such a thing? So these days before I know for sure if I go or not are so loaded with contradicting feelings that I'm quite worried if I will burst or not.... Though something in me tells me that I did quite well on the exam, so perhaps the outcome is as expected? I'll have to admit that I halfway expect that I'll have no problems passing. I've allready achieved worse than I'd want myself to by having done bad enough to doubt whether I'll pass or not... My god I sound full of myself. I must eat something soon....